Parents, kids and discipline
How can you discipline your
child so that he can behave well at home and in public places? Every parent
wants their children to be happy, respected, respected by others and able to
find their place in the world as well-behaved adults. No one wants to be accused
of raising a spoiled child.
But sometimes it seems that
these goals are far from your child's current behavior. Read on to learn about
barriers to good behavior, effective discipline methods, and when to seek help
for dangerous behavior.
What is discipline?
Discipline is the process of
teaching your child what type of behavior is acceptable and what is not. In
other words, discipline teaches the child to follow the rules. Effective
discipline uses many different tools, such as positive reinforcement, modeling,
and a loving, supportive family. Sometimes punishment is also an effective
tool, but that doesn't mean that good discipline is all about punishment. It
sounds so simple, but every parent sooner or later gets frustrated with the
problems associated with children and discipline.
Set your parent role
Parents face obstacles when
trying to teach good behavior, for example, to children who:
- Disrespectful and do not listen: "I told you a thousand times!"
- Listen, but deliberately ignore or disobey your requests for good behavior.
Your duty as a parent is to
help your child become independent, self-respecting and self-controlled.
Parents, schools, churches, therapists, health professionals, and others can
help. But the main responsibility for discipline lies with the parents.
- An authoritative parent has clear expectations and consequences and loves their child. The authoritative parent allows flexibility and cooperative problem solving with the child when dealing with behavioral problems. This is the most effective form of parenting.
- The authoritative parent has clear expectations and consequences, but shows little affection for their child. A parent might say something like "because I'm a mom, that's why." This is a less effective form of parenting.
- The permissive parent shows great affection for his child, but little discipline. This is a less effective form of parenting.
Disciplinary methods
Your choice may depend on the
type of inappropriate behavior your child exhibits, their age, temperament, and
your parenting style.
Reward good behavior:
Recognizing good behavior is the best way to encourage your child to continue
it. In other words, "Catch him good." Praise your child when they
show the behavior you are looking for.
Natural consequences:
Your child does something wrong and you allow the child to feel the result of
that behavior. You don't need to "learn lessons". The child cannot
blame you for what happened. For example, if a child deliberately breaks a toy,
he no longer has that toy to play with.
Natural Consequences can work
well when children don't seem to "hear" your warnings about the
possible consequences of their behavior. Make sure, however, that any
consequences they may suffer are not dangerous.
Logical consequences:
This technique is similar to natural consequences, but consists in describing
to the child what the consequences of unacceptable behavior will be.
Consequences are directly related to behavior. For example, you tell your child
that if he doesn't pack his toys, those toys will be put away for a week.
Eliminate privileges:
sometimes bad behavior has no logical or natural consequences - or you don't
have time to think about it. In this case, the consequence of unacceptable
behavior may be the removal of the privilege. For example, if a middle school
student doesn't do her homework on time, you can revoke her right to watch TV
for the evening. This discipline method works best if the privilege is:
- Related in some way to the behavior
- Something that the child appreciates
- Pick up as soon as possible after inappropriate behavior (especially for young children)
Time outs:
Timeout works if you know exactly what the child did wrong, or if you need a
break from the child's behavior. Make sure you predetermine the timeout location.
It should be a quiet, boring place - probably not a bedroom (where a child can
play) or a dangerous place like a bathroom. This method of discipline can work
with children when the child is old enough to understand the purpose of the
timeout - usually at age 2+, with about a minute of timeout for each year of
life. Timeouts often work best with young children, for whom separation from a
parent really feels like deprivation.
Corporal (physical)
punishment, such as spanking, is not recommended. Why? Mainly because
non-physical discipline methods work better with fewer negative consequences.
spanking can:
- Make children more aggressive
- Become more violent and harm a child
- Cause children to think that it's okay to physically hurt someone you love
Discipline tips
Guide your discipline techniques to fit well with
your child's temperament.. The key to effective discipline is understanding
who your child is, especially their personality style, and using your
discipline to help them achieve their potential based on their talents and
inclinations. But your goal shouldn't be to turn him into someone he isn't (for
example, turning a loud, energetic kid into a sweet, laid-back kid).
Communicate your discipline plan. Discipline doesn't have to come out of nowhere,
especially if you're trying something new. For children who are old enough to
understand, in a planned discussion (not in the heat of the moment), explain
the technique, why you are using it, and what you hope to achieve. Older
children can be involved in deciding what rewards and consequences are
appropriate.
Respect your child. If
you show your child respect, even when you punish him, your child is more
likely to respect you, other family members, and other people in his life. If
you are "losing her" or being disrespectful, apologize. Behave the
way you want your child to behave.
Be consistent.
Any technique will fail if you don't follow through or consistently apply the
consequences. For example, if you say toys will be banned for a week, remove
them unless the offending behavior goes away.
Don't break discipline by
giving in to public displays of bad behavior, such as when your child throws a
temper tantrum while shopping. If you give in to the demands of the child, the
seizures will continue.
Try to keep your goals and
methods consistent over time. If more than one adult is responsible for raising
a child, be sure to agree on the approaches you will use.
When it's done, it's done. After the consequences are over or the time has passed,
don't apologize or continue lecturing about behavior. Help the child return to
the appropriate activity.
Understand what suits your child's development. Before punishing a child, make sure that he really
understands what you asked him to do. Sometimes parents require behavior that
the child is unable to perform. Like other life skills, behavior often needs to
be "developed".
Look for the "why" behind the behavior. If you notice a pattern of inappropriate behavior, part
of the solution is to explore the "why". For example, your child may
be upset about something else, such as a friend leaving. Perhaps your child had
a bad day at school. Your child may be experiencing stress due to family
problems. Maybe he is tired or hungry.
These explanations don't
justify the behavior, but trying to figure out why it happens can help you and
your child find ways to prevent it from happening again and again.
Know when and where to ask for help
Give yourself a break. Even if
you have the best discipline methods and the best parenting style, there are
days when nothing seems to work. Or maybe you had a bad day too. Developing
positive discipline skills takes a lot of practice and a lot of time. If you
think you've made a mistake, be honest. Apologize to your child and explain how
you plan to change your answer next time.
Sometimes you may not know
what to do next. Or you may not know how to move from what you are doing now to
something more efficient.
Any time you have questions
about your child's behavior and discipline, check with your child's doctor. It
may be time to seek help from a mental health professional if you see:
- Ongoing disrespect for all authorities: parents, teachers, and other adults
- Aggressive or destructive behavior
- Signs of depression, such as feeling blue for a long time, having no friends, or threatening suicide
- Your child or other members of the family use drugs or alcohol to deal with stress or other problems in their lives
- Several relationships within the family are difficult