Grief after a miscarriage

Of everything a woman can go through, miscarriage is perhaps one of the most misunderstood. You may feel terribly sad but lonely because some of the people closest to you just don't understand what you're going through.

They may want to empathize but don't know how to feel about it, especially if they haven't had a miscarriage themselves. They may not understand how real your child was to you.

Here is a brief overview of the real grief that can occur after a miscarriage, and tips on how to deal with it.

Admitting grief after a miscarriage

Many women blame themselves for the miscarriage. The truth is that most miscarriages are out of your control. Try not to make your grief worse by blaming yourself.

You may need time to recover emotionally after losing a child in a miscarriage. It is perfectly normal to cry not only because of your child, but also because of all your dreams about yourself and your child.

Grief takes different forms for different people. You may feel:

Angry
Lonely
Guilty
Unmotivated
Unable to concentrate

You may find it difficult to be around families with healthy children for a while. Even after you think you are gone, grief can return without warning. A child's birthday or Mother's Day can rekindle old feelings of grief and longing. Some women experience grief again when they become pregnant again.

The length and depth of your grief depends on many different things. For example, grief may be greater if you have a miscarriage later in your pregnancy because you have had more time to bond with your baby. Your grief can deepen and take longer if you've gone far enough in planning your baby, such as choosing a name or decorating the nursery.

Getting help after a miscarriage

Grieving may make you want to back off, but try to get the support you need now and in the future.

Support each other. Your spouse or partner may also be grieving, even if it's hard to recognize. For example, you may be angry and they may feel numb. Or you may need to talk until they can find words for their feelings. If you do not find a common language, seek the help of a counselor who will help you understand and support each other.
Consider a support group. You can find comfort and healing in a support group with other people who have also lost a child to a miscarriage. Your hospital or doctor can refer you to the nearest support group.
Find what works for you. Grief can last longer than you think. You can give yourself time, you can talk to understanding friends and family, but you can't rush the grieving process. Consider planting a tree, donating to a charity, or finding another way to honor your lost child. Some women try to get pregnant again shortly after a miscarriage. Others organize support groups or talk to other women who have gone through the same thing. If you take your time and stay open, you will find what works for you.
Take care. Treat yourself with care. There is no need to assure anyone that "everything is in order." You don't need lengthy explanations of why and when it happened. And you don't have to tell everyone you know.

How to tell others

There is no right way to tell people about your loss. Keep in mind that your family members may have their own take on this news. You may even want to do it differently, depending on who you're talking to.

Say it in person. If you want hugs and emotional support, tell the people you trust the most to comfort you personally. You know better who it might be.
Say it in writing. You may find it easier to write notes or send emails to certain family members, friends, or colleagues. Briefly explain what happened and be honest about what kind of support you need. And, if you agree, let them know that they can ask questions.
Ask a friend to spread the word. Another approach is to have someone else tell you the news. Maybe a colleague you trust can tell the people you work with. And your sister or your mother may make a series of calls to the rest of your family. If there is something special you want to say or not say, let him know.
Telling to children. If you have children, telling them about it can be difficult for many reasons. Depending on their age, it may be difficult for them to understand what happened. Use simple, honest words. You can say something like, “The kids couldn't keep growing. Saying that a mother has lost her children or that the children are sleeping can be confusing for a small child.

Children can also grieve, but not know how to deal with it. Be alert to changes in behavior, encourage questions, and reassure them that they won't die. It can be helpful to share a children's book about death and loss.

Be prepared for different reactions

You can expect different responses from the people you talk to. Some may know what to say and do. Others can't, so try to be prepared.

No response. It may seem hard to believe, but people often don't know what to say in the face of grief. Maybe they've never experienced such a loss and really can't imagine what you're going through. Or they may be afraid to say something that will make your pain worse. Sometimes people just have a hard time coping with their grief or coping with death. This may trigger their own feelings that they don't want to face. If you don't get a response, try reminding yourself that people care about you.
Cliched condolences. Some people may say things that make you feel worse instead of better. “Next time will be better” or “I know how you feel” can make you feel like your grief is being swept under the rug. Most people don't want to be insensitive. They may not realize that just saying something sincere like "I'm so sorry about your miscarriage" or "I know how much you wanted those kids" is all they really need to say.
Downplaying your grief. Everyone experiences grief differently. And not everyone understands the impact of miscarriage. Try to be honest about how you feel. If they still don't understand, seek support from those who do.

During this process, try to remain open. You may find yourself receiving support from people and places you least expect.