After a miscarriage: Supporting friends and family after a loss

The loss of a child is considered one of the deepest pains, regardless of the age of the child. The pain of what would be is often the hardest thing to accept and overcome. Family and friends often feel helpless when a loved one has a miscarriage because no one is in control or can prevent it.

When a miscarriage occurs, the attitude of society is not to talk about it, so that it is not too upsetting. However, silence about this only complicates the promotion. A miscarriage leaves a woman in a state of physical and emotional readiness for the child she will never have. Grief is a natural process that does not have an exact duration and is experienced by different people in their own way. Supporting someone who is grieving doesn't mean you can ease the pain, but you can ease the stress by being more aware and informed.

What should I say? How can I help?

Often, parents who have had a miscarriage turn to the child's grandparents, other family members, friends, and professionals (including nurses, clergy, and doctors) but find no words to express the support they need. As a support person, you may feel helpless, threatened, or vulnerable. Perhaps you don't even want to deal with the loss, or you may want your parents to hide their grief. You can turn these natural feelings into support for a grieving family or friend.

How can family and friends show their support?

Listen, listen, listen! A person who has had a miscarriage may have to tell their story several times. Show that you care with your attention, gestures and eye contact.
Be prepared to talk about the baby. When others say that this name helps the grieving person to be healed. Know when to be quiet... sometimes it's better to say nothing at all. A grieving person may just want someone to listen to them.
Keep in mind that grief has physical reactions as well as emotional reactions on the body. Physical reactions include lack of appetite, disturbed sleep patterns, restlessness, fatigue, and other pains. Emotional reactions may include panic, lingering fears, nervousness, and nightmares. Encourage your friend or family member to call or contact you when they have these feelings.
Encourage the grieving person to express their pain and stress. By working with feelings such as anger, guilt, sadness, doubt, and disappointment, the normal process of mourning and healing takes place. Continue to encourage communication. Understand that grief is an individual process and not tied to any particular time frame. This period of time includes finding ways to live with the memories and pain associated with the loss.
Reassure the grieving person that their feelings and reactions are normal and necessary for healing. Remember that certain dates or events, such as the anniversary of a loss or due date, can trigger an emotional reaction. Encourage communication during this time. Perhaps a postcard or a small keepsake.

What are some suggestions for visiting someone in the hospital or home who has had a miscarriage?

Simply acknowledging the family's experience and expressing one's own feelings of sadness is acceptable. Sometimes when people say, "I just don't know what to say," that's the most helpful thing you can say.

Here are some more helpful tips:

Talk about the baby by his or her name.
Talk about the hopes and dreams you had for the family and the baby. The parents want to know others share in their hopes and dreams, too.
Read literature about miscarriage and bereavement.
Make or buy something in memory of the baby to keep yourself or to give to the parents.
Offer help with housework, cooking, childcare, etc.
Be sensitive to unpredictable emotional reactions by the grieving parent.
Understand that sometimes a grieving person may want to be alone.
Offer to keep baby memorabilia until the family is ready.
Offer to return maternity clothing or other baby items.

What should I not say or do?

After a miscarriage, family members and friends sometimes say or do hurtful things without meaning to.

Here are some potentially hurtful words and actions to avoid when supporting a grieving person:

Not recognizing a loss can be painful, because for many parents it is important that their experience be recognized.
Asking how one partner is doing and not the other can be hurtful. How are you and how is your partner? shows that you both care and acknowledge that they are grieving in their own way.
There is no rivalry in grief, each person's loss should be respected for the sense of loss and sadness they feel for them. Thus, some statements can be hurtful, for example: “It was just a miscarriage, you will survive”, “You are young, you may have another”, etc.
Don't try to speed up the grieving process. It only causes more pain and feelings of confusion, loneliness and inadequacy.

Support is NOT:

About giving advice.
Criticizing what you have heard.
Minimizing the miscarriage e.g. “That’s okay, you were only three months.”
Using clichés e.g. “It was God’s will” or “You’ve already had one healthy child.”
Talking about your own story of loss. Some identification may be helpful, but keep it to a minimum.
Not allowing the person to express emotions such as guilt, shame, and anger.
Taking over completely may cause potential feelings of helplessness and powerlessness.
Fixing it (you can not take the grief away).

What might grandparents think of a miscarriage?

As a grandparent, you can hurt yourself twice if you miscarry. for your suffering child and for the grandson you will never know. Memories of other past pregnancy losses in the grandparents' past may come up during this time, which can heighten feelings of grief.

Here are some tips on how grandparents can deal with loss:

Allow yourself to talk about your feelings with a family member, friend, or counselor.
Allow yourself to cry; you also suffered losses.

What about brothers and sisters?

If there are other children, they are more likely to miscarry, regardless of their age and knowledge of the pregnancy. After a miscarriage, children are often forgotten during mourning. It is important to recognize that children grieve because of the stress and loss they experience, as well as what they see around them.

It is important to explain miscarriage to children at their level in honest and appropriate terms that they can understand. Children experience grief differently than adults and may ask questions, express fears, and act in a variety of ways to get attention. Young children may be more intrusive, easily frustrated and frustrated. Older children may be aggressive, destructive, or unusually quiet.

Ways to help turn kids on:

Encourage children to ask questions and express their emotions.

Give young children the opportunity to participate in the grieving process. For example, saying goodbye, painting a picture, planting a tree, etc.
Stay patient.