After a miscarriage - Emotional survival

First of all, we are sorry that you suffered the loss that brought you to this page. We and many women in similar situations around the world grieve with you and want to remind you that no matter how you feel, the truth is that it is not your fault.

Losing a pregnancy means you are probably feeling more sadness than you ever thought. A miscarriage can be very difficult. The emotional impact usually takes longer than the physical recovery. By allowing yourself to mourn the loss, you will eventually be able to come to terms with it.

What emotions can I experience after a miscarriage?

Women can experience a roller coaster of emotions such as numbness, distrust, anger, guilt, sadness, depression, and difficulty concentrating. Even if the pregnancy is terminated very early, the feeling of attachment between mother and child can be strong.

Some women even experience physical symptoms of their emotional distress. These symptoms include:

fatigue
trouble sleeping
difficulty concentrating
loss of appetite
frequent episodes of crying
broken or suffering relationships with family or friends
self-harm/suicidal attempts or actions

Hormonal changes that occur after a miscarriage can exacerbate these symptoms.

The grieving process after a miscarriage: What should I expect?

The grieving process has three stages:

Step 1: Shock/Denial

“It doesn't really happen; I took good care of myself." "Maybe the doctors are wrong...maybe I'm still pregnant."

We are not going to lie to you, it will be difficult to accept. Talk to your doctor about what this might look like physically for you. When will hormone levels return to normal? How long can you have symptoms? This can give you more insight into what to expect, and talking about situation-specific practice can feel cold, but it can give you more control when you're trying to figure out what it means to you.

Step 2: Anger/Guilt/Depression

"Why me? If I…” “I’ve always wanted a baby so badly, it’s not fair!” "I feel sadness in my life more than ever."

You can be angry – angry at your doctor, at your partner, at yourself, at God, at your situation… you name it. You may think doctors could have done more, or be angry that your partner is not comforting you properly or is not as upset as you are. If you have strong spiritual convictions, you may yell at God or be angry that He allowed this to happen.

But more often than not, you're angry at yourself. You may even feel guilty and wonder if it was your fault, as if you could have done more. The most important thing we want you to know is that if you have a miscarriage, it is not your fault. As hard as it is to hear, this is a natural occurrence and even if you did everything right, it can still happen.

When something goes wrong, we all struggle to find someone to blame. In the case of a miscarriage, there is really no one or nothing to blame, and this forces us to look for a way to make sense of what happened, leaving behind misplaced anger and guilt. And when you experience all these confusing emotions, it can all lead to depression.

The only thing we can tell you is to get help. Talk about what's going on with your partner, trusted friend, advisor, spiritual leader, or mentor. If you're not ready to speak, write it down. If you are angry, write a letter and put it out of your mind. Listen to music, cry in the shower, take your dog for a walk (if you have one). Find a way to experience those strong emotions, but safely.

Step 3: Acceptance

“I have to admit it, I am not the only one who has experienced this. Other women have gone through this, maybe I should ask for help.

That's what this expected roller coaster of emotions has led to, it's real, isn't it? This is really what is happening. Once you get to that point, you'll be ready to look her in the eye and figure out how to live with your loss. Acceptance doesn't mean that you agree with what happened, that you don't have a million emotions yet - it just means that you confirm in your mind that it's real.

This does not mean that it will be easy now, it just means that you know and understand what you are dealing with. This is a time when many women and their loved ones can seek counseling or support groups or talk about their experiences.

Each stage takes longer than the previous one. There are unexpected and sometimes expected triggers that lead to failure.

How can I get over a pregnancy loss?

Respect your needs and boundaries as you move through your grief and begin to heal.

While you are going through this difficult time:

Be closer to your loved ones. Ask for understanding, confidence and support.
Look for tips to help yourself and your partner. You don't have to face this alone.
Give yourself enough time to grieve and the opportunity to remember.

How women and men grieve differently

In general, women express their loss more and are more likely to seek support from others. Men may be more action-oriented, fact-finding and problem-solving, and therefore often reluctant to participate in support networks that involve sharing feelings. This does not mean that he does not mourn. Often men plunge into work when they are grieving.

Parents experience different levels of attachment to their child. The bond between a pregnant woman and the child growing inside her is unique. A woman may begin to bond the moment she has a positive pregnancy test. A bond with the father can begin when he feels the physical signs of the baby, such as seeing an ultrasound image or feeling the baby kick.

However, especially in men, a real connection can only occur after the birth of a child. This is why men may seem less affected by the loss of a baby in early pregnancy. These differences can cause tension in your relationship as you struggle to come to terms with the loss.

You can help your relationship survive if:

Be respectful and sensitive to each other's needs and feelings.
Share your thoughts and emotions by keeping lines of communication open.
Acceptance of differences and recognition of each person's survival styles.

Understanding your healing rights

Healing does not mean forgetting or making memories meaningless. Healing means reorientation.

You have the right:

Know the facts about what happened and the potential consequences for the future. Search for answers to your questions, consult medical records and take notes.
Decide what you would like to do with maternity and baby clothes. Others may try to make quick choices for you; Instead, use others to see which option is right for you.
Protect yourself by avoiding situations you know will be difficult. Set realistic goals. For example, focus on adapting throughout the day rather than the entire week.
Take time to grieve and heal. There is no set time for healing, and it cannot be rushed.
Get help even if it's not easy for you. If you are feeling out of control or overwhelmed, consider seeking help from a counselor, therapist, or support group to help you through the grieving process.
Be sad and happy. Sometimes you can be sad, but the main thing is not to let her control you. Others have experienced their grief, and in time you will too. Do nice things, because laughter and joy heal. Remember that celebrating moments of joy does not shame your loss.
Remember your child. Healing does not mean forgetting or making memories meaningless. You may want to give your child a name. Some women find solace by doing something tangible like planting a tree, choosing special birthstone jewelry, or donating to charity. On an anniversary, you can share a special moment with your partner.